


Use As Directed

by silveradept



Category: Original Work
Genre: Doctor Bronnor Product Titles and Descriptions, Gen, Magic Potion Shop, Seriously Does Anyone Actually Read The Labels?, terrible puns galore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2019-08-01
Packaged: 2020-07-28 17:36:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20067919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silveradept/pseuds/silveradept
Summary: Several stories of customers (and friends, regrettably) who are customers of the potion shop Kali works at that don't follow the printed instructions on the bottles, and all the aggravation (and seat-of-pants improvisation) that results from their inability to follow directions.





	Use As Directed

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Rhampholeon34](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rhampholeon34/gifts).

Kali hung up and swore.

"Language," Cassandra, her boss, said immediately.

"Sorry," Kali said. "I forget how sensitive they are sometimes."

Cassandra accepted her apology with a wave of her hands. 

"They never read the instructions," Kali said. "Why do we keep selling to them?"

"Because," Cassandra said, shaking her head, "we need the money."

Kali was pretty sure there was some other reason than that, given the prices of the potions always seemed tailored to whatever amount someone was willing to spend on a lark for a magical potion. Well, "magical," if you believed the signs and labels on the shop goods that proclaimed **"FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY"**. Kali had long since realized those labels were a different kind of magic, the kind that kept the lawyers at bay when, inevitably, someone complained about the effects the potion they had drank contained. 

It had probably been for the best that the first complaint she'd had to deal with was for "Love Potion No. 5," because that one had been fairly easy to handle. He'd claimed it hadn't worked at all. He'd put it on while he was looking in the mirror to make sure everything was on right, and the next thing he remembered, he was waking up at Urgent Care with a massive headache and angry texts from his roommates about having to clean up all the glass.

The label very specifically said it only worked on someone you had an intense love for, and you would know it was working because the potion would arouse an equally intense passion in that person. After talking with the guy for a few minutes, Kali knew it had worked exactly as intended. She told him cheerily that he could receive a refund for the unused portion of the potion, and silently cackled when he suddenly had to iron his dog and ended the call.

It was not nearly as pleasant being yelled at by the person who had taken more than the recommended dose of "The Regenerator" and was threatening to sue them for the cost of his cancer chemotherapy. That one she had escalated up to Cassandra immediately, partially because she wasn't getting paid enough to deal with legal threats, and partially because every time he'd sworn at her loud enough that she'd held the earpiece away from her body, some of the potion bottles rattled in reaction to his anger.

Which was another thing. Cassandra had just smiled at her and praised her intuition when she'd wondered aloud if she was just imagining it or the potions really were trying to catch the customer's attention on their own. So she'd learned to use that to her advantage, as well. Kali could take a customer right to the perfect potion just by listening to how they reacted when the customer was nearby.

Unfortunately, knowing what potion was right was still no guarantee as to whether the person would use it correctly. And the bigger the ask from the magic, it seemed, the less care they seemed to take with it. Shy teenage girls looking to catch the attention of their crush followed the instructions to the letter, and usually came back in to proudly introduce her new partner and tell the story of an amazing string of improbabilities that resulted in their relationship. The crush they had originally bought the potion for was generally not appearing in those stories.

The customer bell over the door jingled and Kali put on her best customer service smile. 

"Hello!" she said cheerily, managing to get it out before seeing who has come back.

"Useless," Mrs. Dobbins said, setting an empty bottle down on the counter. "I followed the instructions to the letter and nothing happened."

Kali took a look at the bottle to remind herself of what she had bought this time and asked Mrs. Dobbins to recount how she had used the bottle. Kali nodded as Mrs. Dobbins described (for once) that she had read the label on "Were In Heat", and applied it half an hour before her husband came home from work, expecting to pounce and ravish him the moment he got in. When nothing happened, she took another dose and waited, in case she hadn't given herself enough, but she felt nothing for her husband. Instead she had some _very_ erotic daydreams about the new secretary at her workplace, which was preposterous, because she thought that little tart was planning on sleeping her way up the ladder. 

An inkling of an idea formed in Kali's head, which swiftly progressed to a strong suggestion as Mrs. Dobbins leaned over the counter in such a way as to give Kali confirmation that she'd been shopping at Auðumbla's recently. From the glance she'd unintentionally taken before snapping her eyes upward, it looked like the rumors she'd heard about the care and time put into making sure everyone had a perfect fit were true.

"Well?" Mrs. Dobbins said, clearly expecting Kali to do something.

This was going to be awkward, Kali thought.

"Erm, Mrs. Dobbins?" she began. "I think the product is working as advertised, but...you may—"

"_You_ are going to fix this, you tiny...omega! Now!"

Oh, **_hell_**, Kali grimaced. It was bad enough that Mrs. Dobbins couldn't tell the potion was working, but she definitely did not want to deal with a Mrs. Dobbins hopped up on Heat and fanfiction. 

"It seems to be working very well," she temporized, as she tried to think of anything that could work. Frustratingly, the only thing she could think of was the Butch Breakfast she'd seen advertised on the Community Events board the shop ran.

Kali knew she was supposed to keep the counter between herself and an upset customer, but her hindbrain was screaming at her that she was about to be cornered by an angry older bisexual woman in heat and that she needed to get out of that situation. She bumped one of the shelves by accident and grabbed the potion that had tumbled off from her clumsiness.

"But I can offer you something to help," Kali said, hoping it would delay Mrs. Dobbins long enough to be redirected. Or, in the kind of coincidence that only happened in stories, the new secretary would walk in and take all of Mrs. Dobbins' focus.

Mrs. Dobbins snatched the bottle from Kali's hands, unstoppered it, and drank it dry, putting the bottle back on the counter.

"Oh, my," she said, a smile creeping onto her face. She shivered slightly, and...was she blushing? Kali tried not to move, in case being noticed would break whatever spell was working its way through Mrs. Dobbins.

"I'll be baaaaaaah—later," Mrs. Dobbins said, trying to sound serious and threatening. She strode purposefully toward the door, abruptly gasping and leaning against it before letting herself out.

"Nice work," Cassandra said, appearing from around a corner.

"Should we call someone about Mrs. Dobbins?" Kali asked, choosing the safe topic instead of "Where the hell were you when I was about to get eaten by Mrs. Dobbins?"

Cassandra picked up the bottle on the counter, looked at it for a moment, snickered, and put out back down. "I think we won't have to worry about Mrs. Dobbins for a while," she said, disappearing into her office.

Kali looked at the bottle on the counter.

DOCTORS KINSEY AND WESTHEIMER'S CONCENTRATED LITTLE DEATH, the label trumpeted.

Kali stifled a groan. If there _were_ gods that looked out for her, Kali thought, they must be laughing their asses off right now.

* * *

"And then Jack comes in," Kali said, taking a sip of her cider, "and just oozes up to the counter. I swear he leaves a slime trail everywhere he goes. He tells me that 'a little birdy' told him that we had some Triple X-18, and he wanted everything we had."

"Triple X-18? Is that the one that makes you live out the sex dreams you had when you went through puberty?" Meredith asked, looking confused.

"Gods, no." Kali said, shuddering. "Triple X-18 is the one that supposedly makes you irresistible to younger people and gives you the equipment of a porn star."

"Why would he think _you_ would carry such a thing?" Brigid asked, disgusted at the thought that it existed in the first place.

"Eh, he knows we don't carry it, or any other banned formula. He just thinks that if he can make his sleaze sound like a legitimate customer request, then I'll have to be polite to him or Cassandra will fire me because I made someone complain about my poor attitude and terrible customer service." Kali grinned.

"What happened this time?" Meredith asked suspiciously.

"He wanted to see if the potion he'd bought yesterday was working. He thought it would be fun to see if 'Animal Magnetism' would work on me, since he thinks of me as an animal, apparently."

"Isn't that the one that shepherds use when the dogs are nowhere to be found and the sheep look like they're ready to run away?" Meredith asked.

"That's the one," Kali nodded.

"Did you get to throw him out then?"

"Not yet."

"But you did get to throw him out," Brigid observed.

"Absolutely. People who work with animals know the dose to use, based on the size of the flock or herd that needs to stick together. And we have a fairly strict policy about pets in the store. I didn't know what he'd dosed himself with at that moment, but it didn't take long to figure out when the cats started clawing at the door, the birds started pecking at the windows, and all the dogs around started barking."

"Oh, _that's_ what it was," Brigid said. "Everyone in the library was pretty confused as to why we were suddenly contemplating a name change to Hamelin."

"Bremen, surely?" Meredith asked, and all three laughed. 

"He insinuated that I had misled him about what he had been sold and that he was planning on suing us for deceptive practices," Kali said, rolling her eyes. "Jack had been threatening to do this for years, but he's never served us. He just uses it as an excuse to stay longer, thinking we'll be intimidated."

"So you threw him out then," Brigid said, nodding along.

"Yep. Told him the same thing Cassandra did when she threw him out for something similar. 'If you plan on bringing suit, then we shouldn't be talking, in case you give us evidence.' And then we ask him to leave. It probably didn't hurt that Riley came in right then."

"Riley hates Jack?"

"Oh, gods no. Riley is a sweetheart. He just scares the piss out of Jack because he could probably pick Jack up and put him in the trash bin if either Cassandra or I asked.

"So Jack leaves, and the entire town's population of strays follows him, baying and yelling and otherwise trying to stick close to him. It's unprofessional to laugh about the customers, but I'm pretty sure I couldn't help smiling as he disappeared. But it was only for a bit, because Riley had the look."

"The look?" Meredith asked, as Brigid grimaced.

"The look," Brigid said. "Have you ever seen someone realize they've screwed up, and then realize how big a screw-up it is?"

"Only my dog," Meredith said. "He gives me the saddest look when I discover what mischief happened while I was out."

"That's the right look," Kali said. "Riley gingerly sets one of the bottles down on the counter and starts telling me about the day he's had. He's sweet, but he's not usually assertive, so when he starts his story about how big changes needed to happen at work, I have a feeling I know how this story is going to end.

"Apparently, he had thoughts about how to make things better, and he was looking for a way of expressing them eloquently and in ways the higher-ups would listen to. So he grabbed something that he thought would help him get better words. We usually have some of The Pen Is Mightier on hand—"

"—no way," Meredith said, her mouth twisting in the mix between amusement and horror that suggested she knew where the story was going.

"He thought he'd found the right one. He just assumed there was a printing error on the label."

Meredith started laughing and Brigid turned bright red.

"It was pretty apparent to me what had happened. I mean, Riley is sweet, and I've occasionally wondered what he was packing, sure."

"Occasionally, huh?" Meredith snickered.

"There's a strict 'no sex in the shop' clause in my contract," Kali deadpanned.

"Wait, really?" Meredith asked.

Kali nodded.

"You read your contract?" 

"Yes. And had to have a conversation with the owner about it, as well. Including the clause about not having sex in the shop."

"Are you _sure_ you're not being recruited for some sort of cult?" Meredith pressed.

"Can we _please_ talk about something else?" Brigid begged, still beet red.

"Oh, that's right, you'd like to knock boots with Riley." Meredith gave Brigid a fanged grin as Brigid buried her face in her hands.

Kali shook her head. "Nothing happened, Brigid. I got him what he actually wanted, he paid for it, and he left. Whatever he needed to write, I hope he got it done."

"Awww," Meredith pouted. "Details."

"Drinks first. That'll give Brigid long enough to recover." Kali headed for the bar, leaving Meredith to tease Brigid about her crush.

* * *

"Oh, _no_," Kali said, shaking her head. "TMI, TMI."

"This is really embarrassing to me, too," Brigid said. "I read the label, honest!"

"I can tell," Kali said, trying to calm Brigid down. All Kali thought had happened was that Brigid got taller. Taller suited Brigid really well, though, and the outfit she had on accentuated her softball muscles.

Riley, on the other hand, was sporting a "void creature with tentacle appendages everywhere" look that Kali definitely was not a fan of.

"Okay, once more from the top. What did you take, and how much of it did you take?" 

"Idealism, and only a few sips mixed with some soda. And then Riley drank the rest of the soda and about a quarter bottle?" Brigid said, trying to remember. She turned to Riley. "What were you thinking, drinking my cup?"

Kali wanted to know why Brigid had thought she needed a quarter bottle, when most people only wanted a few drops for mixing anything less than gallons of drinks.

"I was thirsty, and it seemed to be doing good things for you." Riley's voice has been tuned just slightly from what it was before. If Kali had the same kind of crush on him that Brigid did, she might have had to call in backup. As it was, she saw some blush creeping into Brigid's cheeks.

"Okay, that's not Idealism there. That's Ideals of Me," Kali said, "and the good news is that none of the transformations are permanent. They'll wear off in a couple hours."

"What's the bad news?"

"It's going to suck when Riley transforms back, so if you were planning on taking advantage of his multilimbed state, you should do it now, rather than waiting."

Brigid's blush became a full-on flame in her cheeks. 

"I think we've covered that time," Riley said delicately.

"Did you both consent?" Kali asked.

Brigid nodded.

"Did you both enjoy it?"

Brigid nodded again, hiding her face in her hands.

"Then there's no problem. Go and do your tentacle thing! I'll still be here when you need to reorder." 

Riley wrapped Brigid up in a tentacle and carried her up to his...shoulder, Kali guessed.

"Thank you for your support," he said. Brigid waved a small goodbye as they exited the shop,

"Nice work." Cassandra said. 

Kali swore in surprise at Cassandra's sudden appearance.

"Language," Cassandra chided calmly.

"Right, because _you_ don't startle when someone appears in the space you were absolutely sure nobody was in a moment ago."

"What do you think she was planning?" Cassandra asked, ignoring Kali's statement.

"I think she was planning on sipping the drink all night and gracefully progressing to her ideal self, but Riley got in the way. Who sees their ideal self as a tentacle monster?" 

Cassandra gave Kali a sideways glance, grinning.

"There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy."

"Shakespeare. Cute. Tell me again why we sell people these things?"

"We need—"

"—the money, yes, but given how many people can't read a label when their life depends on it, wh—oh, and you've disappeared again. How do you do that without me noticing?"

"There's some new stock in," Cassandra called from the back. "I think there's something here that Jack will enjoy."

Kali grumbled, but made her way back to where Cassandra was. Cassandra handed her a bottle with a grin on her face.

AGENT 99'S IMPENETRABLE CONE OF FROSTY SILENCE, the label read. 

"That _does_ look like something for Jack," Kali said, and started reading the instructions.


End file.
